Tuesday, September 09, 2003
AHhhh! I've started the second week of my second year of my second school I've ever been to! Boggles the mind, eh? This semester I am taking 20 credits. Calc 2, Physics 2 + Lab, Stat 1, Chem 2 + Lab, Philosophy (blah), and English 129 (Shakes-I was so on drugs-pear). Easy load right? Pray for me extra hard. With all this work plus the load the SGA brings AND nuturing a new relationship (sorry Tim, but you take work), I dunno if I'll fry my self or what. One good thing though, I've been going to the YMCA every school day possible. Its proving to be a great way to bur off the stress of the day. I'm back into the swimming "groove" again. Infact some girls and I on campus want to start a swim team. We are going to be doing sooo many good things this year.
Well, today I got alot done but still felt really crappy. See, I made a mistake right at the begining of this week - sunday actually. Its one of those stupid things that you really didn't see coming but none-the-less, still hurt someone. Ambiguous I know, but its the internet so deal! :) ... as I was saying, I appologized and swore up and down not to do it again but I still feel hopeless like nothing can fix it. Almost like its not my right to feel better untill someone tells me I can. And to top it off (and to make me even more guilty and worthy of death) I'm still not 100% sure what happened. See, I've never had an honest to God, true to life, sweeter than I can handle boyfriend before and I'm not sure how to act all the time (OMG - I just spilled the beans!) Its like being thrown into a command position and not having a clue what your resources are. You look around going "hu?" with that blank airman face. Past experiences only complicate and confuse things more. I know I'm only venting to a faceless mass of people who could probably hack into this site and change everything I say, but sometimes I wish someone would jump out of the screen and tell me what to do. "Get into the rythm of the school year again." Ok. "Pray." I know. "Suuure you do." Oh I do. I just want all to be perfect all the time though. "But you can't be like that and you know it." Yeah, sorry. My mom always said when she yelled at me to just "listen to her heart." Meaning to hear what she means, to get the idea behind her actions. That's the best I can ask for too, right? I'm not always perfect but my heart is in the right place. You just gotta listen a bit harder.
Well, today I got alot done but still felt really crappy. See, I made a mistake right at the begining of this week - sunday actually. Its one of those stupid things that you really didn't see coming but none-the-less, still hurt someone. Ambiguous I know, but its the internet so deal! :) ... as I was saying, I appologized and swore up and down not to do it again but I still feel hopeless like nothing can fix it. Almost like its not my right to feel better untill someone tells me I can. And to top it off (and to make me even more guilty and worthy of death) I'm still not 100% sure what happened. See, I've never had an honest to God, true to life, sweeter than I can handle boyfriend before and I'm not sure how to act all the time (OMG - I just spilled the beans!) Its like being thrown into a command position and not having a clue what your resources are. You look around going "hu?" with that blank airman face. Past experiences only complicate and confuse things more. I know I'm only venting to a faceless mass of people who could probably hack into this site and change everything I say, but sometimes I wish someone would jump out of the screen and tell me what to do. "Get into the rythm of the school year again." Ok. "Pray." I know. "Suuure you do." Oh I do. I just want all to be perfect all the time though. "But you can't be like that and you know it." Yeah, sorry. My mom always said when she yelled at me to just "listen to her heart." Meaning to hear what she means, to get the idea behind her actions. That's the best I can ask for too, right? I'm not always perfect but my heart is in the right place. You just gotta listen a bit harder.
Chicklette 1:16 AM
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